Twilight: Bombageddon
by Fubarmensch
Summary: A parody of those fanfics that have absolutely nothing to do with the source material. Please R&R, droogs. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

AN: Okay, in case you missed it the first time, this is a parody of those fanfics that have absolutely nothing to do with the source material. It isn't serious.

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Bella and the Cullens were sitting around their house which was also a spybase! Suddenly, they got an email from Edward that said that they must blow up the enemy base to defeat communism!

"Don't worry, we'll help you," Bella declared. "Okay everyone do a dramatic team pose for the camera!" So they did and it was awesome. They leapt into the unmarked white van and drove off towards the enemy base.

When they got to the base where Edward was, they were stopped by fortifications with razor wire and everything! But everyone were vampires with vampire superpowers, so Emmett just burst through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man while flexing his biceps and telling everyone about how to wrestle a bear, because his vampire superpower was being a testosterone-filled douchebag. Then alarms started going off and searchlights turned on because it was nighttime. Team Cullen ran towards the base while turret guns shot at them! Then they got another call from Edward. "I have rigged the enemy base with explosives," said Edward. "But now I must escape from Enemy Base before pressing the detonator!"

"Okay where are you?" asked Bella.

"I'm in the big fancy control room with the computers and the big board!" said Edward.

"Everyone else stay behind because I'm the heroine!" said Bella. "Especially you Carlisle. Your vampire superpower is heart. That's lame."

So Bella went to the enemy base alone while Хлоп – Хлоп by Наутилус Помпилиус played in the background. This song had nothing to do with this story but it played anyway!

Then Bella saw two guards. "Halt!" they said.

"But look at me I'm a delicate flower and stuff!" Bella said. "It's not polite to kill a girl."

"Oh okay we won't kill yo—" the guards said but Bella pulled out her Webley Mk. VI .455 caliber top-break service revolver and shot them both until they died!

Oh, and Bella has an outdated British standard-issue gun because Bella and Co. are British in this story!

So then Bella went to the War Room where Edward was waiting!

"Let's get out of here so we can explode the base," Bella said.

"Wait! No!" said Edward. "Look at the big board! The enemy is going to nuke the world and we have to go defuse the bombs first!"

TO BE CONTINUED.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Yes I'm still throwing logic out the window. C'mon guys.

"Oh no!" said Bella. "They're going to turn the entire world into a radioactive wasteland! We must stop them!"

"Okay let's go!" said Edward.

So they went onto a motorcycle that was randomly parked indoors and sped off towards the place where the enemy kept the bombs.

Meanwhile, the rest of Team Cullen was still outside, getting shot at by turrets.

"I know we're nearly invincible but what the hell is taking them so long?" asked Emmett, while bullets bounced off everyone, making audible _ping_ noises.

"Wait guys I'm having a vampire superpower vision of the future!" said Alice. "It's horrible! The outdoors are a radioactive wasteland, everything is retro, and 'I Don't Want to Set the World on Fire' is playing in the background!"

"Oh no!" said everyone. "Wait, never mind, I like the Ink Spots. But the radioactive part is bad."

Then Bella and Edward arrived at the bomb place, which was actually very close to the enemy base, but there was no time to stop and find an entrance so they found a pile of plywood and ramped the motorcycle right over the fence and kept going. When the security guy asked them for an ID, Edward shot him.

They drove right into the nuclear weaponry warehouse where some other guys tried to shoot them!

But Edward put on his cool guy sunglasses and said, "Don't shoot so close to the bombs, you idiots." And they stopped. But then Edward shot them with his magical vampire aiming powers.

"Okay so how do you defuse these bombs?" asked Edward.

"Uh… I dunno."

"No, it's okay, I'll ask Google." And Edward went on the internet and searched for 'bomb defusal' but all the Google results were about the Flash game of the same name!

"Oh no what do we do now?" asked Edward.

"We put on our cool shades and get back to the motorcycle!" suggested Bella.

So Edward drove the bike back while Bella looked at the bomb warehouse place in the distance. Then she pulled a rocket launcher out of nowhere and blew up the entire warehouse so the nukes would go off 'harmlessly.'

Then Edward and Bella went really fast so they could outrun the explosions! And then they went back to the enemy base and the rest of Team Cullen got o the motorcycle too. Then Edward drove really fast and pressed the detonator so the enemy base exploded behind him. He jumped into the air and did a backflip over the fortifications while outrunning the fireball.

"Yay, we exploded the enemy base!" everyone said, and cheered.

The end.


End file.
